The Little Doggerel That Bit Bill Clinton

By: Wesley Pruden

Poetry is best left to real poets, as we shall see, but this poem, which came sailing over the transom early this morning, is a perfect valedictory to the Great Clinton Scandal Impeachment Trial, Democratic Fix and Usual Republican Cave-in. We're supposed to Move Forward, or at least Move On, so we can Heal. We need Closure. Everybody says so, to the exclusion of saying anything else. Half the Senate aspires to join the roster of therapists on call. John Warner, Arlen Specter and the ladies of the boutiques of New England -- Jeffords, Snowe, Collins & Co. -- are itching to hear your tales of derring-dos and don'ts. The great American public, so innocent, so burdened with the frail sensibilities of a life untouched by human experience, is finally delivered from the further agony of a presidential impeachment trial, and can get back to rape and pillage on television screens and murder and mayhem on the streets outside, the pursuit of junior-high and other illicit sex, pizza, fried chicken, Big Macs, ice cream and the other condiments that, as our president has taught us, make the American way of life tolerable. This particular bit of poesy, which arrived in a cream-colored envelope with a White House return address, is a draft said to have been retrieved from an Oval Office wastebasket and addressed to the Democrats on the president's Senate jury, who were so obsessed with the president's missing pants they couldn't understand Republican anger about lies and obstruction. O.J. Simpson, the earlier most famous beneficiary of jury nullification -- wherein jurors put aside their conviction that the defendant is guilty and set him free because he's so cute and just a rascal at heart --promised to spend the rest of his life searching for the real killer. Since then O.J. has prowled every golf course he could slip past the guards to get onto, but so far has come up with no new suspects. You might think that Bill Clinton would be grateful enough to try to find the real villain in the Oval Office. But no, as you can see from this doggerel, he only offers the 79th explanation to Joe Lieberman, who still hasn't explained to his teenage daughter why he thinks the president should have got away with it. A teenage daughter is a little old to be impressed by the poesy style of Dr. Seuss, but here it is: "Blessed Assurance," by Bill Clinton. I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate. I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants. I never did it in a bed If you think I did, you have been misled. I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone. I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein. I did not do with it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp. I never acted really silly Not even with Mzz Kathleen Willey. There was once, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her 'round but could not catch her. No kinky stuff, not on your life And certainly never with my wife. Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes. Paula Jones, and those mean state troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers. I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry. I did not do it last November But if I did, I don't remember. I did not do it in the hall I could have, but I don't recall. I never did it in my study Not in front of my dog Buddy. I did it twice with Socks the cat I might have once, with Arafat. I never did it in a hurry I never groped Mzz Betty Currie. I never did these things so lewd At least not ever in the nude. These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed. It never happened with a big cigar I never even dated Mizziz Starr. I did not know this little sin Would be told so loud on CNN. I broke some rules my mama taught me I tried to hide but now you caught me. But I implore, I do beseech, Do not condemn what you would not impeach. I might have risked a little jail But Monica knows I did not inhale.